Fashionably Dead and Loving It: Hot Damned Book 14 Read online

  “So many puppies!” she promised. “And monkeys and birds and baboons!”

  “Okay,” Sarah said, snuggling closer to her.

  I approached Sarah and kissed her cheek. “I will come and visit often,” I told her.

  “We can play with the puppies,” she said with a giggle as she touched the tip of my nose.

  I held back my tears with extreme effort. I’d just found her, and I had to let her go all over again. It was different this time, though. Nana wasn’t dead anymore. She was here, but she was different. Doing the right thing sucked sometimes.

  “Yep,” I said, breathing in her scent. “We can play with puppies.”

  “I like puppies,” Satan insisted, touching Sarah’s dark head with fondness. “I have Hell Hounds. I shall send you one.”

  “Thank you, sweetie darling,” Sarah told Satan with a giggle, already picking up Mother Nature lingo.

  “She likes me,” Satan announced, blushing a bit at the squishy endearment.

  “And we’re off,” Mother Nature said, wiggling her nose.

  A sweet-scented peach explosion of magic engulfed Gigi and Sarah. Sarah waved and laughed until they disappeared.

  “Well then,” Satan said, covertly wiping away something that had gotten lodged in his eye. “I shall take my leave as well. It was an invigorating afternoon. I’m still displeased about the sphincters, but we can call it a wash since I was greatly entertained today.”

  Ethan raised a brow and shook his head. “The fate of the undead is entertaining?”

  “Quite,” Satan replied with a grin. “Let me know when those boxes from Staples arrive. I’m looking forward to stealing them. And Leviathan,” he said, pinning the Demon with a hard stare. “As you have a new mission in life, your presence in Hell is not welcome at the moment.”

  “You’re banning me from my home?” Levi demanded.

  “No, I’m forcing you to have a life, boy. Enjoy it,” Satan said and then vanished in a silky black mist.

  “Excuse me,” Levi said flatly as he stomped back into the Cressida House, smoldering like a wildfire.

  “Please pardon me, as well,” Anastasia said, still looking shell-shocked by Mother Nature’s decrees. “I’ll be in my suite if I’m needed.”

  “They like each other,” I told Ethan with a grin.

  “There’s a very fine line between love and hate,” he said, watching his sister walk away and almost bash into a tree in her haste. “They’re walking on the edge of it at the moment.”

  “It’s gonna be fun to watch both of them fall.”

  Ethan grinned. “It will be a damned good time.”

  The Elite Guard slowly cleared out, taking Walter the snitch back to the dungeon. But the reporters stayed behind.

  “May I?” I asked Ethan, eyeing them as they eyed us back cautiously.

  “Be my guest,” he replied.

  I approached the five and they cowered, expecting retaliation for trashing me for years. They were mistaken. I no longer cared what they had to say about me. Sticks and stones might break my bones, but their words would never hurt me. Though, they might piss me off, but that came with the territory.

  “I’m hiring. Are any of you available?” I queried.

  “For what?” a worried-looking man asked.

  “For a legit undead newspaper. One that doesn’t spread fake news or vicious gossip. I will not have any editorial oversight. That will be handled by a neutral Vampyre,” I said as their ears perked up. “My input would be a conflict of interest. I don’t give a damn if you like me or hate me. Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has them and most of them stink. What I’m looking for is a paper that informs our people and keeps us connected in a positive way, since we’re a rather violent species. You feel me?”

  The worried man stood and extended his hand. “I would like a job, Your Royal Highness.”

  “As would I,” came an identical chorus of assent from the rest.

  “Fine,” I said with a curt nod. “You are all hired. Oh, and which one of you said my dress was boring?”

  One of the two women reporters blanched and raised her hand. “It was me,” she whispered, terrified. “I was paid to write it by Walter. I honestly thought the Prada sheath was gorgeous. My apologies.”

  “No more fake fucking news,” I called over my shoulder as I took Ethan’s hand and began the walk back into our home. “And don’t let people buy you. It’s gauche.”

  “You might need a shower,” Ethan said with a chuckle as he pulled my dried-guts-covered, stinky body toward his.

  “Shit,” I said with a laugh. “You think they’ll write about that?”

  “It’s an undeniable fact,” he pointed out. “Not fake news at all.”

  “Let them write it. I earned my stench and crusty look.”

  Ethan threw his head back and laughed. “I’d still do you.”

  “That is crazy hot,” I said, jumping on his back and tackling him to the ground with a squeal of laughter. “I love you so much it’s INSANE!”

  As we rolled around in the grass making out, we ran into some large combat boots. Peering up at the owner, I grinned from ear to ear. He was beautiful beyond comprehension. His smile melted my heart, and his love was what I lived for. Ethan felt exactly the same way.

  “Samuel,” I said, touching my son’s leg as I stared at him.

  “You two need to get a room,” he said with a chuckle and an eye roll, pulling both of us to our feet.

  “You should be happy that your parents have a healthy sex life,” I said, making him cringe.

  “It’s delightful,” he said dryly. “However, it would be lovely not to witness it. You feel me?”

  “You stole my line,” I accused as I linked arms with my two favorite men in the Universe.

  “You’re my mom,” he said. “I’m allowed to.”

  “Boy has a point,” Ethan said. “What’s ours is his.”

  “Mom?”

  “Yep?”

  “You smell a little gamey,” he told me with a wince. “Wanna share the reason you’re wearing a crown while covered in blood and smelling like a sewer?”

  “I smell like a sewer?” I shouted, shocked. I knew my aroma wasn’t exactly pleasant, but a fucking sewer?

  “You do,” Ethan confirmed, sheepishly. “I’m getting used to it.”

  “Don’t,” I said. “It will disappear shortly. Samuel, meet us in our suite in two hours. There are some people I want you to meet.”

  “Will do,” Samuel said, poofing away with a grin.

  I smacked Ethan’s arm. “You should have told me I smelled like a freaking sewer.”

  “How about this?” he suggested with a sexy, naughty grin on his face. “To make it up to you, I’ll wash every inch of your gorgeous body and when you’re squeaky clean, I will give you a tongue bath that you will remember for eternity.”

  “That’s a very bold claim,” I pointed out as my girly parts danced in anticipation.

  “I’m a man of my word,” he said smugly.

  “Race you to the shower,” I yelled as I took off like a bat out of Hell.

  Ethan was indeed a man of his word… and then some. Eternity was a very long time, but I would remember the erotic bath till the sun stopped shining in the sky.

  Epilogue

  PRINCE ETHAN AND PRINCESS ASTRID DEFEAT SOUTH AMERICAN COUP ATTEMPT

  The North America Dominion was under a violent and bloody siege six days ago at the royal residence of Prince Ethan and Princess Astrid, in Kentucky. The coup was orchestrated and led by the consort of Prince Wilhem of the South American Dominion. The evil bitch went by the name Catriona and was also implicated in tampering with the free press, who were deviously duped into false reporting. The Prince and Princess have graciously decided not to sue or decapitate the press. Our Royal Family feels that the press should be free to report the news… not the fake news. Opinions are fine as long as they are framed as opinion and not fact.

  Princess Ast
rid is quoted as saying, “Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has them and most of them stink.”

  After a fair trial with just cause successfully argued and proven, the enemy of the government was eventually beheaded.

  It was discovered during an intense cross examination by the savvy Princess Astrid, wearing fetching combat attire covered in dried blood and Zombie guts, that the consort had been solely responsible for the creation of the Zombies that had wrought havoc on the West Coast. A child was also half-turned—a crime alone punishable by death.

  In a twist that no one expected, the age-old biblical law of an eye for an eye was brought to the table during the most dramatic part of the trial. The jury, surprisingly consisting of Mother Nature and Satan, were in favor of the new legal challenge. Mother Nature’s expertise in legal procedure was noted several times during the trial. Her courtroom background comes from the Theatrical Institution of Law and Order, according to a source.

  The child victim of the consort, whose name has been redacted due to her age, successfully decapitated the heinous guilty bitch. It was shockingly brilliant. Sadly, it wasn’t all that bloody, but when Prince Wilhem drop-kicked the severed head, fun was had by all.

  We will keep you updated on the unfolding story.

  Tossing the paper off the side of the bed, I groaned. “Well, they got some of it correct, but it still sounds like a rag magazine.” I laughed and shook my head. “Deviously duped into false reporting, my ass. Bribed would be more accurate.”

  “Your quote was quite arresting,” Ethan said with a wide grin.

  “And true,” I said, grabbing a pillow and smacking him with it.

  His shout of laughter warmed my soul. The pillow fight was hilarious and violent… and ended in incredible sex. Most everything we did ended in incredible sex, which was freaking fantastic.

  The newly turned Vampyres had joined the Cressida House. Everyone was doing fine. Management had even acquired a coffin for Mustache Man when he’d asked for one. Ethan had been a bit thrown by the request, but he rolled with it. Management was good like that.

  The surprise to all was Bat Man. The sweet man turned out to be an expert in martial arts. He even took down Jax a few days ago, which was almost impossible. Bat Man was so humble about his win and so worried about Jax’s feelings, everyone fell in love with him. The adorable newly turned Vampyre was now being trained to be an Elite Guard—a huge and rare honor.

  Vinnie was going to be saving many puppies with his massive new income. The flavored blood was a hit. People were clamoring for it, and Vinnie was beside himself with joy. He’d run a full-page ad in the first edition of the new newspaper—The Bloodsucker NOT FAKE News.

  The name of the paper was a bit literal for my taste, but the reporting staff loved it. Most of them had been bottom-feeders for so long, they wanted their newfound legitimacy shouted out to the undead world.

  Samuel was fascinated by his aunt and uncle, and they were taken with him as well. They’d spent many hours together over the past several days and a fast friendship had formed. He’d also introduced the Baby Demons to my brother and Ethan’s sister. Of course, Levi had already met them, but Anastasia was obsessed. The feeling was very mutual, and the little turds followed her everywhere now.

  As to Levi and Anastasia… I gave it a month before they banged. Ethan was sure they already had since they could barely look at each other. I was dying to ask but forced myself to keep my mouth shut—very difficult for me. They were both staying on as guests for a few more months, and I couldn’t have been happier.

  Martha and Jane had gone back to Hell with Lizard to help nanny baby Luke. However, Satan was a very involved daddy now. Elle had sent a few pictures of Uncle Fucker dressed as a Teletubby with Luke in his arms, screaming with laughter. I tucked the photos away for future blackmail purposes.

  My biggest and newest source of happiness was Sarah. She was thriving with Mother Nature as her mentor, and Vinnie had sent her two puppies that he’d saved, along with several cases of chocolate-flavored blood. She was delighted with both gifts. The puppies were named Satan and, of course, Astrid—she was five, after all.

  I visited her often and our bond was tight. Not only was Sarah the reincarnated version of my Nana. She was also the second incarnation of the mother of my distant Vampyre cousins, Heathcliff and Cathy. She had also been the beloved wife of Heathcliff and Cathy’s father, Sir James. When they’d heard the news of what had happened to her, they were furious. Carefully and casually, they began to visit Sarah as well.

  Only time would tell if the young child would recall and embrace her past lives. But the happiness of having her back in any capacity was going to have to be enough.

  Unsurprisingly, Wilhem had not fared well with the King. His Dominion had been handed over to Princess Leila—the Princess of the African Dominion. Wilhem had a long way to go to prove himself before he would be granted rule over his territory again.

  I couldn’t rachet up much sympathy, but I kept it to myself. Ethan loved his brother even with all his faults. In time, maybe Wilhem would grow up. That was entirely up to him.

  “Wake up, baby,” Ethan whispered. “You fell asleep after some rather aerobic banging.”

  Sitting up, I stretched and grinned. “Life is so good.”

  “Life is great,” he said, kissing the top of my head then tying his tie.

  “Where are you going?” I asked, sleepily.

  He chuckled and slipped into his Armani jacket. The man looked good enough to eat. “Seems my sister and your brother are going at it in the Grand Ballroom. I need to put a stop to the commotion. It’s causing a bottleneck in the foyer.”

  “A physical altercation?” I asked, shocked as I jumped out of bed and quickly yanked on my favorite Alice and Olivia dress. “That doesn’t sound like Levi at all… or Anastasia.”

  “You misunderstood. While it is indeed physical, I wouldn’t exactly call it an altercation,” he said with an arched brow.

  “Shut the front door,” I shouted with a laugh. “They’re banging in the ballroom?”

  “Apparently,” he said. “Would you enjoy busting them with me?”

  “I would love it,” I said, stepping into some fabu Parada heels.

  “Shall we go and mortify our randy siblings?” Ethan asked with a wicked smirk.

  “Yes, we shall,” I replied.

  The next chapter of life had just started off with a bang. Literally. I had a feeling the story was going to be a whole hell of a lot of fun.

  “I repeat,” I said as we ran down the Grand Staircase side by side. “Life is sooooooo good!”

  “Yep,” Ethan said. “And it’s about to get a little more interesting… or embarrassing.”

  “I love you,” I said as we snuck quietly to the doors of the Grand Ballroom with about thirty grinning Vampyres on our heels.

  “I love you more,” Ethan whispered. “You ready?”

  “Yes, but if I see my brother’s Johnson, I’m going to scream.”

  “Are you willing to take the risk of needing eye bleach?”

  I nodded slowly and grinned. “I am.”

  “One. Two. Three.”

  I was definitely going to need eye bleach. And I was pretty sure it was going to take a few months for Anastasia or Levi to be able to look anyone at the Cressida House in the eye, but it was worth it. Even getting electrocuted by my Demon brother was worth it.

  Again, life was so good.

  I was dead.

  I had love and a family that kept growing in magical—and occasionally sexually explicit—ways.

  And on most days, when I wasn’t turning Zombies into Vampyres, I was wildly fashionable.

  Fashionably dead, that is, and loving it.

  The End… for now.

  Robyn’s Book List

  (in correct reading order)

  HOT DAMNED SERIES

  Fashionably Dead

  Fashionably Dead Down Under

  Hell on Heels
<
br />   Fashionably Dead in Diapers

  A Fashionably Dead Christmas

  Fashionably Hotter Than Hell

  Fashionably Dead and Wed

  Fashionably Fanged

  Fashionably Flawed

  A Fashionably Dead Diary

  Fashionably Forever After

  Fashionably Fabulous

  A Fashionable Fiasco

  Fashionably Fooled

  Fashionably Dead and Loving It

  GOOD TO THE LAST DEATH SERIES

  It’s a Wonderful Midlife Crisis

  Whose Midlife Crisis Is It Anyway?

  A Most Excellent Midlife Crisis

  My Midlife Crisis, My Rules

  SHIFT HAPPENS SERIES

  Ready to Were

  Some Were in Time

  No Were To Run

  Were Me Out

  Were We Belong

  MAGIC AND MAYHEM SERIES

  Switching Hour

  Witch Glitch

  A Witch in Time

  Magically Delicious

  A Tale of Two Witches

  Three’s A Charm

  Switching Witches

  You’re Broom or Mine?

  The Bad Boys of Assjacket

  SEA SHENANIGANS SERIES

  Tallulah’s Temptation

  Ariel’s Antics

  Misty’s Mayhem

  Petunia’s Pandemonium

  Jingle Me Balls

  A WYLDE PARANORMAL SERIES

  Beauty Loves the Beast

  HANDCUFFS AND HAPPILY EVER AFTERS SERIES

  How Hard Can it Be?

  Size Matters

  Cop a Feel

  If after reading all the above you are still wanting more adventure and zany fun, read Pirate Dave and His Randy Adventures, the romance novel budding novelist Rena helped wicked Evangeline write in How Hard Can It Be?

  Warning: Pirate Dave Contains Romance Satire, Spoofing, and Pirates with Two Pork Swords.