Fashionably Dead and Loving It: Hot Damned Book 14 Page 5

  “Nooooooooo!” Ross said, crawling back up onto the dresser. “Too busy pole dancing.”

  “Got it,” I said.

  “Man boobs,” Beyonce said.

  “What?” I asked, squinting at her. My mind raced for a double meaning.

  “Booby, booby, booby MAN BOOBIES!” Rachel sang as all four started break dancing.

  I looked down at my chest to make sure nothing had gone awry. Nope. The girls were just fine—perky and there.

  “Uncle Fuuuucker,” Abe insisted, pointing at the closet. “Man boobies.”

  I glanced over at my closet and half expected to see my uncle sporting man boobs. Thankfully, no such surprise awaited me. Or so I thought…

  “Mmkay,” I said. “Trust me on this. Do not ever say that Satan has man boobs. You might be cute, but that will not save you from the wrath of a narcissist.”

  “Nooooooo Mommmmmy,” Rachel said, rolling her little Demon eyes. “Devil give you man boobies.”

  “SURPRISE!” Beyonce shouted, cackling so hard she fell right off the dresser. “Me no eat man boobies. Niiiiiice man boobies. NO EAT.”

  Clearly, the glitter magic had caused brain damage.

  “Great,” I said, quickly checking my girls once again in terror. They were fine. “How about this? Why don’t you pop over to Zanthia and check on Samuel for me?”

  “Meeeee love Samuel,” Rachel said, swooning and giggling.

  “Meeeee love Samuel too,” Ross said, imitating Rachel.

  “Meeee love Samuel the MOST,” Abe insisted while sucker punching Rachel and Ross.

  “Nope,” Beyonce announced, hopping back up on the dresser and karate-chopping her partners in crime and destruction. “Meeee love my big boy more than ANYBODY.”

  “Awesome,” I said, separating them before they knocked each other unconscious. “I think you should go tell Samuel how much you love him. And tell him I love him too. Cool?”

  “Yes,” they all screamed in unison and then disappeared in a tiny cloud of shimmering red mist.

  Samuel might have wanted a break from his violent little shadows, but with royal company coming to the Cressida House, it might be better if the tiny menaces took a short vacation. Explaining to Vampyres why I had Baby Demons was always a little touchy. Normally, Vamps and Demons weren’t the best of buddies. However, since I was half Vampyre and half Demon, I was making some changes in our society. Some would say unwelcome changes, but that didn’t faze me. Most of what I did was unpopular with the undead. Stuffy, pompous bloodsuckers needed to get with the inclusion program. Ethan had said Wilhem was an asshole, which probably meant he was old school. Hopefully, they wouldn’t be staying long.

  “Silence. Blessed silence,” I said, walking over to my closet to pick an outfit for the evening. Once more, I glanced down at my chest. If for any reason Uncle Fucker had gifted me a set of man boobs, I was going to ruin his evil life. “Nope, I’m still rocking my own girls. Satan is safe for now.”

  Opening the closet door and keeping my eyes open for a random set of man boobs floating around, I pawed through my cocktail dresses. Normally, I would have chosen black, but maybe fire-engine red would be a better color for the evening ahead.

  “I’d go with black,” a deep male voice suggested. “Red enhances your Demon side. Wouldn’t want to upset the bloodsuckers… or make them hungry.”

  “What the hell?” I shouted as I whipped around and shot a fireball at the uninvited voice.

  Inhaling the fire that almost set his pants ablaze, the man chuckled and gave me the finger. “Was that really necessary?” he inquired.

  “Remains to be seen,” I said with my hands poised to blast him again. The fact that he inhaled my magic was alarming. I’d never seen that trick before.

  And now I knew what the Baby Demons were talking about. A stupidly handsome, shirtless, rude Demon was lounging in my closet. The idiot was not only shirtless, he was barefoot and had some nice pecs. I wouldn’t have called them man boobs, though. When I thought of man boobs, I envisioned squishy, floppy sacks of flesh hanging off of an out-of-shape body.

  “Name?” I hissed as my fingers continued to spark.

  The intruder grinned. He had some large cojones for being a trespasser. “Leviathan,” he replied. “I go by Levi.”

  I rolled my eyes. I knew Demons could be dangerous. I’d spent plenty of time in Hell. However, this semi-dressed douche didn’t seem like he was here to kill me. Plus, Beyonce had made it abundantly clear that she hadn’t needed to eat him—meaning he wasn’t a bad Demon. Of course, bad was a relative word when dealing with the denizens of Hell… but I felt fairly sure that he wasn’t here to do me harm.

  Annoy me? Probably.

  Try to off me? Doubtful.

  “Is there a reason you’re in my closet?” I questioned, not letting my guard down in case I was wrong about his character.

  “Not that I know of,” he said with a shrug. “Satan said I was going somewhere and here I landed.”

  I squinted at him. “Uncle Fucker sent you?”

  Levi rolled his eyes. I had to admit it was impressive. “Apparently, I’m your gift.”

  “Nope. Not happening. I have entirely too much to do today to deal with a clothing-impaired Demon who goes by the same name as his jeans,” I said, trying to one-up his eye roll and failing. “You are going right back to Hell, little mister.”

  Levi stared at me with curiosity. It was a little bizarre and somewhat invasive. It wasn’t sexual in nature, but it was intensely personal. I found myself doing the same thing. He seemed familiar, but I couldn’t place him.

  “Have we met?” I asked with my flaming fingertips still aimed at him.

  “We have not.”

  “Satan is smoking crack,” I muttered. “Thank Uncle God that Ethan isn’t here right now. He’d rip your head right off your body for showing up in my closet half-naked.”

  “The Vampyre Prince isn’t here?” Levi inquired.

  I narrowed my eyes and sent another warning zap his way. He inhaled it again. “Nope. And if you’re thinking you can get away with anything because the man of the palace is away, think again, Blue Jeans. I am your worst freaking nightmare.”

  Levi shook his head and groaned. “That’s a given. And are the pants nicknames necessary? It’s kind of rude.”

  “And you showing up in my closet half-dressed is polite, Mr. Tough Skins?” I shot back.

  “Dude,” he said, snapping his fingers and covering his upper half with a t-shirt. “I don’t want to be here anymore than you don’t want me here. You feel me?”

  “That’s my line,” I snapped. “There will be no stealing of my lines.”

  “Whatever,” Levi said with another wildly impressive eye roll. “Tell me what I have to do to get out of here.”

  “I don’t know what you have to do, dumbass,” I told him, giving up and flopping down on the chair across from him. I still couldn’t shake the feeling I knew him. “Didn’t Satan tell you?”

  “Hell no. He’s a cryptic asshole,” Levi pointed out. “Plus, he looked extremely hungover. He was a hot fucking mess.”

  “Again, you’re stealing my lines,” I accused. “I don’t like it.”

  “Deal with it,” he said. “I’m older than you and have used them longer. Therefore, you’ve been stealing my lines.”

  “Bullshit,” I said.

  “You have a filthy fucking mouth,” Levi pointed out.

  I grinned. “Pot, kettle, black, douchebag”

  “Butthole,” he replied with a smirk.

  “Turd.”

  “Assface,” he announced for the win.

  I stared at him. He stared right back.

  “What is happening here?” I asked.

  “Not a clue. You started it,” Levi said, leaning back in the chair and blowing out a long, slow breath.

  “Who are you? Really?”

  He sighed and ran his hands through his jet-black hair. The action was familiar. He reminded me of
… me.

  Shit.

  “I’m no one of consequence,” he replied smoothly. “Just figure out what you need me to do and I will disappear faster than a blink of an eye. I would have said beat of a heart, but since you’re dead, I refrained. I’m good like that.”

  “Actually, you didn’t refrain and you’re still pilfering my lines,” I said, shaking my head and grinning. “You have no manners.”

  “I’m a Demon. It’s to be expected.”

  He had a point.

  “Who is your sperm donor?” I demanded, sitting up and rethinking my safety. I’d been the one who’d eliminated the heinous Demon who’d sired me. My father—for lack of a better word—was Satan’s brother. He was a viciously evil man. I’d been terrified that the Devil would want me destroyed for killing him. I couldn’t have been more surprised when Uncle Fucker thanked me.

  My parentage was a bit lacking—an understatement. However, if this Demon was related to me, he might not be happy about what I did.

  “Same as yours. I despised him,” he said, reading my mind. “Not here to take revenge.”

  “Get out of my head,” I hissed.

  “Stop thinking so loudly,” Levi said. “Your brain practically screams. Pipe down.”

  “You pipe down, jackhole,” I snapped. “So, what are we to each other?”

  “We are nothing to each other,” he said coldly. “We share some DNA. That’s all. Right now, you need to tell me what I have to do to get out of here.”

  “Pull the denim out of your ears,” I said, a little hurt. Was the jerk really my brother? If we shared a sperm donor, the answer was yes. “I already told you I have no freaking idea why Satan sent you.”

  “Awesome,” Levi said flatly. “Fine. I’m sure the reason will present itself soon enough. Is there room at the inn for me?”

  I silently studied his face. I didn’t have a reflection anymore, but I realized I was staring at a male version of myself—gold eyes, high cheek bones, dark brown hair. He was missing the red streaks in his hair and I thought his lashes might have been longer than mine, which wasn’t fair, but other than that, we were very much the same. Holy Hell, how many of us were there?

  “Are you my brother?” I asked, needing to know for sure. Had Satan gifted me with a family member?

  “In scientific terms, yes,” Levi conceded in a bored tone. “In any other sense, absolutely not.”

  “Rude,” I said.

  “Ruder,” he replied.

  “How many more?” I asked.

  “More what?” he asked.

  “Siblings?” I snapped.

  “No clue,” Levi answered. “I only know of you.”

  “Tiara,” I said. “You also have a half-sister named Tiara. She’s part Demon, part Fairy turned Vampyre.”

  “Interesting,” Levi said with a chuckle. “That’s some baggage.”

  “She’s also a lesbian who can kick your ass. If you have any issue with homosexuality, you can leave now. I don’t give a shit what Satan wants. I will destroy anyone who hurts my sister,” I said, standing up. “If we’re in agreement, I’ll put you in a suite. You can stay until we figure out how to get rid of you.”

  “Such lovely hospitality,” he said with sarcasm dripping from each word. “And for the record, I don’t care what people do or who they love. I judge people on character. You have failed.”

  For a moment, I was stunned to silence. His words hurt my feelings.

  So be it. This morning, I didn’t know I had a brother. I could easily forget that I had one tomorrow. If Levi didn’t like me, screw him. Satan was going to pay for making me feel like shit.

  I shrugged rudely to cover my disappointment. “Or I could put your nasty ass in the dungeon if you’d prefer.”

  He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “What I prefer is not on the table—never has been. I do as I’m told. Period.”

  I paused. What he said broke my non-beating heart. His timing was crappy, considering we had undead royalty showing up in a few hours. Whatever. Timing was always crappy. Tiara was halfway around the world on a mission. I knew I could call her and her partner back, but first I would make sure Levi wasn’t here to mess with us in any way. Tiara would be thrilled to have a brother. However, she’d been through enough pain in her life. If Levi was a son of a bitch, I’d send him back to Hell in a flaming handbasket.

  And if he wasn’t a shit…

  Well, that remained to be seen.

  Chapter Five

  “Repeat,” Ethan said tersely, removing his blood-spattered clothing and stepping into the shower. He looked as if he’d been to war. He didn’t seem to want to talk about it yet, so I shared my day first.

  “I have a brother. He pilfered all my lines. He’s an asshole and he’s staying with us.”

  “Here? Now?” Ethan asked, confused.

  Admiring his gorgeous naked body, I sighed dramatically. Sadly, there was no time for a quickie. Our guests were about to arrive. “Yes, and yes. Satan sent him as a gift because I read him the riot act about poopy diapers and being jealous of Elle’s boobs.”

  “Satan’s jealous of his mate’s breasts?”

  “Long story,” I said with a grin. “Suffice it to say, he’s on the right track now. I hope.”

  “Got it. So, your brother is a Demon?” he asked in a businesslike tone as he soaped up and rinsed off.

  “One hundred percent. He’s rude and socially unacceptable. I set him up in a suite on the third floor and he hasn’t come out at all. He doesn’t want to be here.”

  “Does this brother have a name?” Ethan asked, toweling off and grabbing an Armani suit off a hanger.

  Ethan’s scent made my knees weak—clean laundry right off the line, summer breezes with hints of orange blossoms and sex. My man also smelled dangerous. The scent was uniquely his—very masculine and seriously sexy.

  “Leviathan. Goes by Levi, like the jeans.”

  Ethan paled. “Leviathan?”

  “Umm… yes. Problem?”

  Ethan stepped into his pants and shrugged. “Possibly. Your brother is an admiral of Hell and known as a sea monster.”

  “Shut the front door,” I said with a laugh. “A sea monster?”

  He nodded and raised a brow. “Did you shoot any magic at him? More importantly, did it land?”

  Shit.

  “I did and he inhaled it,” I said, feeling iffy about letting Levi stay at the compound.

  “Your brother’s magic is liquid, for lack of a better way to explain it,” Ethan said, picking up one of my crowns and placing it on my head. “Very little can harm him. From what I’ve heard over the centuries, many have tried to destroy him for sport.”

  “Because he’s a dick?” I asked as my stomach sank.

  “No. Because it would be a notch in their psychotic belts to annihilate the undestroyable.”

  “That’s completely fucked up,” I snapped, wanting to go hug and protect the brother who didn’t like me.

  “Couldn’t agree more,” Ethan said, pulling me close and holding me tight. “The world is a screwy place at the moment.”

  “You’re telling me,” I said, looking up into his sparkling golden eyes. Now that he was cleaned up, I pressed him about the head knocking that had turned into a blood bath. “How bad was the West Coast?”

  “Bad would be an understatement,” he said, closing his eyes for a brief moment. “We definitely have a situation.”

  “Explain.”

  Ethan checked his watch and winced. “We only have about ten minutes. I’ll fill you in on everything later tonight.”

  “Hint,” I said. “My imagination is usually far worse than reality.”

  Taking my hand and leading me into our massive suite, Ethan sat me down and squatted in front of me. “We have a Zombie problem.”

  If I could have puked, I would have.

  Grabbing the arms of the chair so tightly my knuckles turned white, I held on to my composure by a thread.

  �
��Are you okay?” he asked.

  I shook my head. “We’re going to be fashionably late to greet our guests,” I ground out. “I have to tell you about my dream.”

  My demeanor couldn’t have been more serious.

  Ethan’s gold eyes were laser focused on mine. “We’re the royals,” he said. “We can be as late as we want. Talk to me, Astrid.”

  * * *

  “I’m not sure this is a good idea,” I whispered, standing by the door of the suite where I’d put Levi.

  Ethan had not laughed at my dream. He hadn’t made a comment about the fifteen-inch Prada heels, either. He was slightly disturbed about his new relationship with Satan, but he took everything in stride. My Vampyre’s mind was like a steel trap, and he asked many questions. But time was ticking, so, we put the rest of the conversation on hold.

  “Probably a terrible plan,” Ethan agreed. “However, Satan doesn’t do anything without reason. If he sent Leviathan to you, he was motivated to do so. We will keep your brother close as we would any enemy until we determine if he is an ally.”

  “Satan is insane,” I reminded Ethan.

  “Fine point. Well made. The Devil’s lack of mental stability is not in question at the moment. His motivation for sending an absurdly powerful Demon to you is.”

  “Crapballs,” I muttered as I raised my hand to knock on the carved teak door of the suite. “I can guarantee that Levi will not be cool with this.”

  “He won’t,” my brother said, opening the door before my knuckles touched the wood. “Doesn’t matter. I’m here to follow orders until I’ve satisfied whatever unsavory plan Lucifer has in store for me.”

  Ethan was taken aback as he stared at my brother. His eyes narrowed as he sized up the Demon from head to toe. Levi stood as still as a statue and unblinkingly returned the stare.

  “Shocking,” Ethan said as his gaze bounced between Levi and me. “The resemblance is uncanny.”

  Levi shrugged. “I’m better looking.”

  “Not,” I said with an eye roll.

  “I’m taller,” he pointed out.

  “I’m funnier,” I shot back.

  A small smirk pulled at the side of Levi’s mouth. “Funnier looking.”