Fashionably Dead and Loving It: Hot Damned Book 14 Read online

  The uppity Vampyre announcer stood next to the trio and cleared his throat. “I present to you Wilhem, Prince of the South American Dominion, and Anastasia, Princess of the Australian Dominion.”

  The guests applauded politely.

  The gal pal pinched Wilhem’s arm and hissed something in his ear. He patted her hand and basically ignored her. Apparently, she wasn’t getting the royal treatment she thought she deserved and wasn’t pleased. She then turned her ire on the announcer and hissed something at him. The Vampyre shrugged politely, shook his head helplessly and bowed to her.

  “Interesting,” I said. “Guess the consort doesn’t merit an intro. Nice of Dead Door Dude to try and smooth it over before she loses her shit.”

  “None of that bodes well,” Ethan said with a chuckle. “While Wilhem is an asshole, he’s quite proper. If the woman wasn’t introduced, it was on purpose. He’s probably going to ditch her.”

  “Not here, he’s not,” I muttered.

  “Oh my God,” the nameless woman hanging off of Wilhem’s arm cried out in distress, pointing at the dais and behaving as if she was about to faint—which was ridiculous, since Vamps didn’t faint. “Why is there a Demon present? This is not right.”

  Great. She was an undead, Demon-phobic drama queen.

  “I really don’t like her,” I muttered as I stepped forward. “Oh shit,” I yelled back. “Are you serious? Where?”

  “There,” she said, looking at me like I’d lost my mind. “Next to you.”

  “Oh!” I said, slapping my forehead. “That’s just Lord Wrangler Tough Skins. He’s the entertainment. He’ll be stripping later. You should grab a lap dance ticket. I hear he’s quite well hung.”

  “I will get you back for that,” Levi said, laughing.

  “Good luck trying. I’m really good at being bad. Just ask Uncle Fucker,” I replied, keeping my eyes on the girly girl. She was appalled by my behavior.

  The room of North American Vamps, who I believed didn’t like me much, tittered with laughter, enjoying the game being played. Or more possibly they thought I was about to kick some ass and were excited. Bloodshed at Vampyre gatherings was normal and welcome.

  Wilhem’s consort appeared confused. “I am quite serious,” she insisted, glancing around wildly at the amused and unconcerned assemblage. “What kind of Royal Palace lets Demons roam freely?”

  “Well, let me enlighten you,” I said, stepping off the dais and crossing the room so quickly, the human eye couldn’t have followed. Circling the trio, I stopped right in front of my target.

  All four hundred in the room murmured and leaned forward in anticipation. I was going to disappoint them greatly. I had no intention of smacking down physically on the woman who was pooping on my party. However, I was always good for a verbal dressing down when the occasion arose.

  And the occasion had arisen.

  The Demon in question was my blood. And even if he wasn’t, the intruder had no place questioning customs of other Dominions. While I was quite sure that there were those here who agreed with her, they were too smart to express it in front of Ethan or me.

  Centuries of division between species had caused toxic distrust. However, the time had come to erase that. All of us were deadly, but some of us were deadly and nice. An oxymoron, but true.

  “The Cressida House is a really fun place!” I said, using my high school cheerleader voice. I was half tempted to do a herkie jump, but I’d tried that a few years back and it had ended badly. Plus, I was wearing four-inch stilettos and a form-fitted Prada sheath. It would suck to rip it. “My name is Astrid. I was already announced, since I run this joint with the hot dude up on the throne. Actually, I’m banging him. You’re in the North American Dominion now, whatever your name is. Look around. We’re a diverse group.”

  “My name is Catriona,” the woman said, paling and bowing her head to me. “Please pardon my outburst. It was out of line.”

  I didn’t believe a word of her apology but nodded politely. “Not to worry, Carolinainnia,” I said sweetly as Anastasia choked back a laugh at my butchering of the woman’s name. “We don’t discriminate here. And since I am half Demon, it’s quite normal to see many different species in our midst—Fairies, Demons, Sprites. Even Mother Nature has been known to pop in for a pole dance. You feel me?”

  Her eyes grew wide with shock. She glanced at Wilhem to save her. He didn’t move a muscle—didn’t even acknowledge her. This was going to be a very long night.

  “I understand, Your Royal Highness,” she said, bowing again.

  “Excellent,” I replied, glancing at Ethan’s brother and sister, who were sizing me up. “Welcome to the Cressida House. Let’s get this party started.”

  “And over with,” Anastasia said, taking my arm and walking us toward a grinning Ethan.

  “That too,” I said with a chuckle.

  I was definitely going to like Anastasia.

  Chapter Seven

  The layout of the dais had expanded once the guests of honor had arrived. Wilhem was seated to Ethan’s right with Catriona on the end. I was next to Ethan and Anastasia was on my other side. Lord Wrangler was a few feet away to the left of Anastasia. Our backs were to the wall for safety. No one could come up from behind and that was fine by me. While the party was formal and polite, it would be unwise to forget we were in a roomful of predators who adored violence.

  One by one, the Vamps paid their respects.

  “Chosen One, I am Count Vincent Gustav of Bat Cave, North Carolina. My friends call me Vinnie. It is a tremendous, life-altering pleasure and honor to be in your presence.” The bizarre Vampyre bowed so low, his forehead touched the marble floor. He wore a black cape with a massive diamond clip at the neck. His skin was so pale it was almost translucent, and his eyes were jet black. There was very little color about him at all. Other than the cape, Vinnie was the most nondescript dead person I’d met to date. It was somewhat creepy, but I didn’t get bad vibes from the man—just strange and kind of sad.

  “Is Bat Cave a real town?” I asked.

  “Oh yes, Your Majesty.” Vinnie nodded enthusiastically and clasped his hands in front of him like he was praying. “I amuse myself by moving to areas with unique names. I have resided in Ding Dong, Texas, and Hot Coffee, Mississippi.”

  “Shut the front door,” I said with a laugh.

  “I dare you to ask him if he’s ever lived in Booger Hole, West Virginia,” Levi suggested with a laugh that made him sound like a fourth-grade human boy.

  “Shut up,” I hissed… and then reconsidered. The idiot, Lord Wrangler Tough Skins, had dared me. I was not going to pass up a dare from my brother. I didn’t care how unroyal it was. Plus, Vinnie seemed to have a sense of humor.

  “Have you put roots down in Booger Hole, West Virginia, by any chance?” I asked Vinnie with a wide grin as my brother chuckled, Anastasia giggled, and several pompous Vamps gasped at my common-ness.

  “Ohhhhh, it’s on my list,” Vinnie assured me with a smile that revealed his fangs. “Your knowledge of the obscure is enchanting, Princess.”

  He was sweet in a very oddball way.

  “Well, Vinnie, thank you and please call me Astrid,” I said, tilting my head and wondering why he thought a black cape was a good fashion choice. He obviously didn’t have any good friends. Friends didn’t let friends wear floor-length black capes to parties. Although, I had to give it to him. It took a confident dead dude to work the heinous look. “I look forward to hearing more about your strange towns obsession.”

  Vinnie swished his cape and laughed. He sounded like a choking baby bird. “I would love to host you and Prince Ethan in my home,” he gushed. “I have a large collection of mugs and refrigerator magnets from the peculiar places I’ve lived. I believe you would quite enjoy them.”

  “I’m sure I would,” I told him with a smile.

  “Pretty sure Vinnie the Vamp is hitting on you,” Levi pointed out.

  “Shut your pie hole,” I shot back. �
��He’s not hitting on me. He also invited Ethan, dork face. And at least he’s interesting.”

  “You need to get out more if you find Vinnie interesting.”

  “Fine,” I told Lord Buttinski. “You and I will go out tomorrow and have a brother-sister day.”

  “Fuck,” Levi choked out. “That is not what I meant at all.”

  “Too bad. So sad,” I said. “Now put a cork in it or I’ll make you really sorry and spend every waking minute with you until we figure out how to get rid of you.”

  “You’ve already made me fucking sorry,” Levi muttered.

  “May I be so bold as to ask a question?” Vinnie inquired, wringing his hands in excitement.

  I shrugged. “Sure.” Everyone else was so uptight and proper, Vinnie the walking and talking undead cliché was refreshing.

  “Do you prefer your blood on the rocks or room temp?” he asked.

  “Dude, is that a joke?” I asked, squinting at him.

  He looked crushed and fussed a bit with his cape. “Umm… no,” he said, leaning in and lowering his voice. “You see, I’m nine hundred years old. Living as long as I have has gotten quite tedious. It’s difficult to find reason and meaning most days. So, I was thinking of opening a bottled blood company and using the proceeds to save puppies. I’ve been canvasing the assemblage as to their temperature preference for blood. Thus far, all I have received is disdain and mockery. I’m not sure they like puppies.”

  While I was pretty sure a bottled blood business wouldn’t fly, it pissed me off that Vinnie was being treated like crap. He was a freak. I loved freaks. I was a freak. And I adored puppies. His cape made him a target… just like me. I mean, I was dressed a whole hell of a lot better than Vinnie, but I was definitely a target.

  “That’s just bullshit,” I muttered. “Hang on a sec, Vinnie.”

  “Ethan, do you like and trust Vinnie the cape dude?” I asked, adjusting my crown to buy a few moments.

  Ethan was in the middle of a conversation with a couple who were going on about the merits of defanging prisoners. I was very happy to be talking to a Vamp who loved puppies, and not them. Ethan’s eyes stayed on the bloodthirsty couple, but his attention was mine.

  “Vincent is unusual and eccentric,” he said. “But yes, I trust him. He’s a lonely old man and I’ve invited him many times to join us at the Cressida House. He always declines. He’s more of a wanderer. Why do you ask? Has he been rude?”

  “Not at all,” I said quickly and then had a horrible thought. “Do you think he eats puppies?”

  “Umm… no. I don’t think he eats puppies. Where on earth did you get that idea?”

  “Nowhere. Forget I said it. Do you mind if I raise Vinnie in the esteem of the others who are treating him like a piece of poop?”

  “Not at all,” Ethan replied. “Invite him to stay. That will do the trick.”

  I had a little more in mind than that, but it was an outstanding idea.

  “Count Vincent Gustav,” I said, using my outdoor voice so everyone would hear. “You are simply brilliant! I would love to hear more about your bottled blood company and the proceeds going to charity.”

  “You would?” Vinnie asked, so delighted he began to bounce on his toes, making his cape flutter.

  “Yes, I would,” I continued. “And if it doesn’t disrupt your plans, Ethan and I would like to invite you to stay for a few days and talk about investing in your proposal.”

  “You would?” Vinnie squealed, repeating himself.

  “We would,” I said, placing my hand on Ethan’s arm.

  Ethan looked a bit confused but went right along with it. “Did you just promise him that we were investing in a bottled blood company?” he asked.

  “I did,” I admitted sheepishly. “I might have gone a little far, but Vinnie saves puppies.”

  “Of course, he does,” Ethan replied dryly then nodded at the ecstatic Vinnie. “Count Vincent Gustav, I would be delighted to have you as a guest and discuss your scheme.”

  Vinnie bowed low and his entire body trembled with pride. “Thank you, my Liege. Thank you.”

  Vinnie wandered off on cloud nine. He was now the most popular man in the Grand Ballroom aside from Ethan. I felt awesome. The evening was turning out better than expected.

  However, the night had only just begun.

  The mood went back to being as formal as the outfits worn by the undead. The reception line was long, and after the fun chat with Vinnie, my new puppy-saving, undead business partner, the rest of the conversations went in one ear and flew out of the other. Realizing I was repeating myself, I tried to change it up, but there were only so many ways to “say lovely to meet you” and “no, I’d rather not show you my fangs.” I was bored. Keeping a lid on my potty mouth for three hours was excruciating.

  There was rabid curiosity about me and my crown. I was never wearing the damn thing in public again—only to get laid. After the umpteenth envious comment about the cut of the diamonds, I realized that Anastasia, Wilhem and Ethan were crown-free. I was the only dumb-dumb showing off. They were born into royalty. I was not. Mimicking the way Anastasia sat with her back ramrod straight and her legs artfully angled to the side, I smiled politely and tried not to fall asleep.

  “You’re killing it,” Anastasia whispered.

  “At least I’m not killing them,” I said, nodding to a group who gossiped viciously while waiting their turn to bow and kiss our undead asses.

  “I’d call that a win,” she replied with a laugh. “Just don’t fall asleep. The tabloids will have a heyday with a passed-out Vampyre Princess. Trust me, I’ve been there.”

  “Fuck,” I muttered, scanning the crowd to see if anyone was taking notes or sketching me wearing a crown. “Are they here?”

  “They’re always at royal engagements,” Anastasia confirmed, wrinkling her nose. “However, they’re quite secretive about their identity.”

  “Probably a good thing since beheading isn’t on the agenda this evening.”

  Anastasia glanced over and grinned. “Ethan did good. Raquel assured me I would I love you. She said you were a lot of fun, extremely deadly, no-nonsense and knew your way around a good cuss word.”

  “Feeling’s mutual—for you and Raquel. Ethan has excellent taste in sisters,” I replied with a giggle. “After everyone leaves, I’ll let it rip. Although, Carolinainnia might get her panties in a wad.”

  Anastasia’s eye roll was so dang good I was jealous. That was twice today I was out-eye rolled. First my brother and now my sister-in-law.

  “She can bite my undead butt,” she whispered so the Vampyre in question wouldn’t overhear. “She’s a simpering idiot. I don’t know what Wilhem sees in her. She must be good in bed.”

  I glanced over at the consort, still clinging to Wilhem like he would disappear if she let go. Maybe he would. If he left her behind, I’d remove all of his limbs. Of course, they’d grow back, but I wasn’t in the mood to deal with a whiny pain in the ass. “I’m gonna lay down a hundred bucks she’s all missionary and squeaks like a mouse during sex.”

  Anastasia nodded and chuckled. “I’ll raise you a hundred and say she likes the lights off.”

  “I’d take that bet, except, I really don’t want to know if either of us is correct,” I told her. “Do you?”

  “Hell to the no,” she said with a slight gag. “In fact, the visual is so disturbing, I think I need a shower.”

  Our conversation was cut short when Ethan glanced over at us with a raised brow. Whoops. I always forgot how well Vamps could hear. Leaning over, I kissed his cheek. “Your sister rocks.”

  “Yes, she does,” he agreed, then turned his focus back to his loyal subjects.

  Lord Wrangler Tough Skins didn’t utter a single word the entire time. He stood next to the dais with his arms folded over his broad chest and eyed the crowd menacingly. He completely ignored the guests of honor. His rudeness was expected yet made him all the more mysterious. Especially to the ladies.


  For having an issue with Demons, ole Catriona couldn’t seem to take her eyes off my brother.

  “How much longer?” Anastasia whispered to Ethan as Vampyre after Vampyre approached the throne to bow and pay their respects.

  “I will end the reception shortly,” Ethan promised, much to my relief.

  I kept shifting in my throne to make sure my butt wasn’t glued to it. With the Zombie part of my dream coming to fruition, I had no idea what else was in store.

  “Uncomfortable?” Anastasia inquired with a lopsided grin that reminded me of Ethan.

  “Just making sure my ass doesn’t become one with the velvet,” I explained.

  “Is that a joke?” she asked.

  “I wish,” I muttered, then changed the subject. “So, do you have a kangaroo or a koala?”

  “For the love of everything stereotypical, did you really just ask that?” Levi inquired in my mind.

  I was going to kick his ass so hard later. Terrified that I would answer him while I was chatting with Anastasia, I tried to block him out. Sadly, my brother was as loud as I was. The DNA was strong.

  “Shut your cakehole,” I hissed. “If you fuck me up, I will shave your head while you sleep.”

  “I don’t sleep,” Levi informed me with a chuckle. “But five points for creativity.”

  Anastasia observed me curiously for a moment and then shrugged. “Nope. No kangaroos. No koalas and no accent,” she said. “However, if you’d like to visit Australia, you’ll find all of that and more in my Dominion.”

  “Sorry,” I said with a sheepish grin. “That was an incredibly lame question. I’ve just never seen a real kangaroo.”

  “Seriously?” Levi shouted in my head. “You were human not even a few years ago. Have you never been to a damn zoo?”

  “Of course, I’ve been to the zoo, you sphincter lizard,” I snapped, then slapped my hand over my mouth. “Fuck. I said that out loud.”