Fashionably Dead and Loving It: Hot Damned Book 14 Page 9

  “At least,” Ethan said, running his hands through his hair in frustration. “A whole lot of body parts were strewn around, so ten is my best guess.”

  “Ten or so Zombies in a movie theater? Watching The Dead Don’t Die and chanting Bill Murray’s name?” I asked, wondering if I was being punked.

  “Yep,” Jax said. “It would be too difficult to make shit like that up.”

  He had a point. Jax didn’t have much of a sense of humor and rarely made a joke. However, I’d take him as my second in any battle. Jax was smaller than David and Matthew, but he was precise and deadly. He wore his blond hair in a man bun and had a penchant for sporting kilts. He was a badass and could carry it off. The man was loyal and one hell of a warrior. I’d known all three Vamps since I was turned. The men had been instrumental in my learning how to fight, along with The Kev. The Vampyre dearest to my heart, and the one who didn’t give a crap that I was the Chosen One, had perished. I hadn’t been able to save Samuel, but Ethan and I had named our son after him.

  “The dust of dead Vampyres was all over the theater,” Matthew grunted.

  Matthew was huge and wore his dark hair in a mohawk. If I didn’t know him, I’d turn around the run the other way when I saw him coming. However, I did know him. He was my board game partner. Appearances could be very deceiving. He was brilliant at guessing the killer correctly in Clue every time we played. He also took in every stray cat he found. The last time I was in his suite for game night, I counted eleven.

  The fact that Vampyres were into board games and kittens had shocked me in the beginning. Now, I was thrilled. We had game night every Tuesday unless the world was going to Hell… like now.

  “Bottom line is this,” Ethan said, sliding a katana into a scabbard at his waist. “There are most likely more Zombies, and we don’t know where they’re coming from. Right now, the problem is on the West Coast, but that could change. Or if we’re lucky, it was an isolated incident—although, I doubt it. What we do know is that they’re killing Vampyres. Not good.”

  “And you eliminated them?” I questioned.

  “We did,” David replied. David was huge like Matthew, but his red hair and light smattering of freckles made him a little less menacing looking.

  Ethan nodded and continued to arm himself. “Magic didn’t work,” he explained tersely. “It was hand to hand. Removal of the head seemed to be the only option.”

  “Messy,” Matthew pointed out.

  “Understatement,” Jax added.

  “Fucking gross,” David said. “We left no evidence. Human authorities are unaware at this point. We mind-wiped the entire area.”

  “If humans find out, we have even bigger problems on our hands,” Ethan said. “The secrecy of Immortals is why we can live in plain sight. Going back into the shadows would cause anarchy among our kind.”

  Fuck. We were close to anarchy all the freaking time. We didn’t need a bunch of living dead forcing our hand.

  “How were they created?” I asked. I knew from the movies that Zombies were created by other Zombies. However, I also knew that the method was most likely bullshit. The movies about Vampyres were hilariously wrong.

  “Not a clue,” Ethan answered. “I’ve never come across a Zombie in all my years. Don’t know how to create a Zombie and don’t know who created them.”

  I shuddered as I recalled my conversation with Satan. “Well, if you were able to kill them, they were created by Vampyres,” I told the group.

  “And you know this, how?” Ethan asked, staring at me in surprise.

  “Uncle Fucker,” I explained. “I told him about my dream, and he said the species that creates the Zombies is the only species that can destroy them.”

  Ethan sat down and pressed his temples. “Well, I’ll be damned.”

  “You already are,” I joked, going for a bit of levity in the unfolding shitshow. It didn’t really land all that well. I should seriously stop telling jokes.

  Ethan gave me a weary smile. “Why would my people create Zombies that destroy Vampyres? Makes very little sense.”

  “Are we sure it’s our own people?” I asked.

  “We are not,” Ethan admitted. “We’re trying to keep a lid on it until we learn more. However, word has already spread. I was queried about it many times last evening.”

  “What did you say?” I asked, sitting down next to him.

  “That it is being taken care of,” he replied flatly.

  “Wait. Wouldn’t someone know if a bunch of Vamps went missing?” I asked.

  “Excellent point,” Ethan said, keying in on his men. “Check in with the West Coast generals and get the names of anyone in their area that has disappeared.”

  Ethan was the Vampyre Prince of all of North America. However, North America was large, and he had assigned regional generals to deal with everyday issues. We dealt with the big issues, and this one was big.

  The loud bang on the door jarred me, and I almost blew up the entire room. Slapping my sparking hands down on the table, I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Being on edge wasn’t going to help anyone.

  “Hey!” Martha shouted from the hallway. “We have a fucking problem, Jugs LaChiChis.”

  My chin dropped to my chest. I groaned dramatically. Dealing with the rag magazines right now was low on the priority list. I was sure I’d gotten raked over the coals, but Ethan was right. Since there was very little I could do about them, ignoring the tabloids was my new plan of action.

  Matthew grinned. As much as Martha and Jane drove everyone nuts, the Vampyres loved them. Plus, in battle, the old biddies were insane. “Should I let them in?”

  “Yep,” I said, noticing the elaborately wrapped gift box on the side table next to the leather couch. If it was full of sphincters, I didn’t want to know. They were getting their mystery box back. “They’ll just keep bitching and whining until we do.”

  With a curt nod, Matthew let the imbeciles in.

  “Lookin’ fiiiine, Matthew,” Martha said, slapping his ass, much to his amusement, then turning to me. “LaBomba Nuggets, you’re not gonna be happy.”

  “Nope,” Jane agreed, waving at everyone.

  They had dressed particularly heinously today—rainbow-sequined leggings and tiger-striped jogging bras. Of course, the ever-present black socks and sandals remained. If I could still get human maladies, my head would be pounding.

  “Change of plans,” I said, trying to ignore the pile of magazines Martha held and sticking to my new pledge of paying no attention to the rags. “We have issues that far outweigh insulting drawings and bullshit articles.”

  I raised my hand to burn the rags, but Martha hid them behind her back. “Not so fast. You gotta see this crap.”

  “Nope,” I said. “I’m not looking at it.”

  Jane walked over to Jax and peeked under his kilt. Jax threw his hands in the air and laughed at the idiot’s boldness. She grinned from ear to ear and gave the deadly Vampyre a thumbs up. “You’re gonna make some dead gal very happy with that monster salami, boy,” she crowed.

  “Martha. Jane,” Ethan ground out. His tone wiped the smiles off of both women’s faces fast. “We’re in the middle of a meeting. Unless you have something of pertinence to add, you are dismissed.”

  The old gals exchanged wary glances. I fully expected them to leave. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

  “Since you don’t wanna see it, we’ll just tell you about it,” Martha announced, taking a seat on the couch next to what I assumed was the gift-wrapped box of buttholes. “You didn’t make the cover of any of them this time, Gazongas,” she reported.

  “Well, that’s a fucking relief,” I muttered.

  “On page two they said that you’re gonna let Demons overrun Vampyre society and that your tax laws are bullshit.”

  “They used the word bullshit?” Jax asked, surprised.

  “Nah,” Jane said, slapping Martha in the head. “Martha likes to spice it up. The exact wording was ‘inexcusable fo
r a newly turned Vampyre to impose law on those who are centuries old’.”

  I rolled my eyes. That was nothing new. The greed and distrust of many of the undead knew no boundaries. “Not a shocker,” I said flatly. “Doesn’t bother me a bit.”

  Jane grabbed a magazine and added to the insult list. “Said that Princess Anastasia and the regal consort Catriona had better posture than you.”

  “Whatever,” I said, thinking they finally got something right.

  Jane scratched her mostly bald head. “I’m gonna disagree with that one. Big Boobs has terrific posture.”

  “Mmmkay,” I said with a pained laugh. “Thank you.” As always, I would take a compliment even if the source was questionable and insane. “Is that it?”

  “Hell to the no,” Jane said, scanning the article. “Those fuckers said you have no right to wear the crown.”

  “I disagree,” Martha chimed in. “You rock that hardware.”

  Jane kept reading. “You’re too common to rule.”

  “Again, horseshit,” Martha said. “They just know you can kick their uppity assholes, Moobags DeLactaters.”

  Martha’s defense of me was actually sweet if the term of endearment was removed.

  “Crown was crooked,” Jane read.

  “She was working a look. Screw those jealous mother humpers,” Martha said, flipping the magazine off.

  Jane nodded and hocked a loogie on the page she was reading. It was enough to make me gag. Jane simply read around it and continued. “Agreed. The asshats also said that you bewitched the Prince with your Demon magic.”

  Ethan laughed and winked at me. “Guess I’m the lucky one.”

  I couldn’t love the man more.

  “Oh, and your dress was boring.”

  “I’m sorry, what?” I asked.

  “Umm… they said your dress was boring,” Jane repeated.

  There was only so much a dead gal who loved fashion could take.

  “Excuse me,” I hissed, walking to the far side of our expansive suite. Everyone ducked for cover. They were smart. With a string of curse words that would have made a sailor proud, I slashed my hand through the air and blew up the entertainment console. The icy blue sparks as the big-screen TV melted were wildly satisfying. I considered blowing out the side wall, but since we had guests and a Zombie problem, I decided to refrain. I’d release the rest of my tension in the fight training room shortly.

  “Impressive,” Jane congratulated me.

  “Thank you,” I replied. “If that’s all, you can leave.”

  “We’re not goin’ anywhere,” Martha said as her fangs dropped. She placed the individual magazines in a line on the table with the covers facing up. “You’re gonna need some deranged backup with a talent for sphincter removal, and we’re the sexy gals for the job.”

  Every cover was similar—Dead Buzz, the Daily Fang, the Bloody Times and the National Dhampir. Each had a drawing of Ethan that wasn’t nearly as insulting as the pictures they’d drawn of me, but the headlines were the worst ones I’d ever seen. “Off With His Head”, “Weak Prince Must Go”, “The Monarchy Is Dead—Let’s Finish The Job”, “Not Fit To Rule”.

  “What the fuck?” I growled.

  Ethan stood as still as a statue. It was terrifying. His fury vibrated throughout the room, making it difficult to think. Jax’s, Matthew’s and David’s fangs dropped, and they began grabbing more weapons even though they were already armed. As Ethan began to pace, I grabbed Dead Buzz and read the article. There was just enough truth to the stories to know that we had a mole in the Palace, or at least a mole at the party last night.

  “Someone at the reception talked to the rags,” I said.

  “Enlighten me,” Ethan ground out. “I need to walk off the urge to behead a whole lot of people.”

  “Got it.” I scanned the article. “There’s a description of what all of us were wearing at the party, and it was noted that we’re investing in bottled blood.” I closed my eyes and wanted to decapitate myself. This was entirely my fault.

  “They want me removed because of that? Bottled blood?” Ethan snapped, grabbing one of the rags from the table and reading it.

  “Nope,” Martha chimed in. “Two of them say a petition of thousands want you to step down due to the Zombie problem, which is horse shit, since there ain’t no such thing as Zombies.”

  “Pardon me,” I said, tossing the magazine aside and aiming my ire at the wall I’d neglected to blow out. Thankfully, my skill level was high, and I only destroyed the wall, leaving the rest of the compound intact.

  “Does that mean mother humpin’ Zombies do exist?” Martha whispered from under a chair.

  “It does,” I said.

  “Holy shee-ot,” Jane grunted, grabbing a sword and a handful of throwing stars. “Guess I know what I’m doing today.”

  “Yepperdoodle,” Martha agreed, crawling out from under the chair and filling her old lady handbag with daggers and handguns.

  “What the heck do you think you’re doing?” I demanded, taking the throwing stars away from Jane. Her aim was hideous. She’d almost decapitated Martha last time she’d used them. While I often dreamed of decapitating them myself, it was never going to happen. Protecting them from each other’s stupidity was a full-time job. Thankfully, they were usually Lizard’s problem. Speaking of… “I’m going to ask you a question, and you’re going to think hard about your answer.”

  “Is there a prize?” Jane inquired.

  I zapped her. It had to be done.

  She cackled and slapped out the fire on the back side of her sequined leggings. “Guess that means no.”

  “Correct,” I replied. “Tell me about Lizard’s mission. Anything. Even something small that was said.”

  Martha shrugged helplessly and my stomach dropped. “We don’t know nothing,” she said.

  Jane nodded. “Our hot piece of man meat said Satan wanted him to check something out and he’d be back as soon as he could.”

  “Okay,” I said, feeling like a lawyer during cross examination. “Did he say anything about where he was going? Is he on the Earthly plane or is he in Hell?”

  “Not Hell,” Martha said. “But that’s a guess. He dropped us off here after Satan got his ass handed to him by Elle and she gave us some time off.”

  If they knew anything, they had no clue they knew it. Martha and Jane were not the sharpest tools in the shed. “Got it. Doesn’t Lizard always bring you dummies a present when he has to be away?”

  “He sure does!” Jane said. “Last time he brought us crotchless underpants and banjos.”

  Her answer made me regret asking, but I had a hunch there was something amidst the disgusting.

  “Awesome,” I said with a gag. “Did he talk about anything special this time?”

  Crossing my fingers, I prayed to my Uncle God that it wasn’t something sexual.

  Martha cold-cocked Jane. Jane punched her right back. Both of them were laughing like they were deranged. They were. After a two minute and forty-three second smackdown, the freaks adjusted their jogging bras and grinned at me.

  “For being dumb, you’re pretty dang smart,” Jane said.

  I decided not to be thankful for the backhanded compliment. I folded my arms across my chest and glared at them. “Spit it out.”

  Martha did a little jig then cleared her throat. “I’m gonna say that Lizard is in Los Angeles just cause he said he was gonna bring us back Simon Cowell’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.”

  Ethan growled. Matthew, Jax and David joined him. A few puzzle pieces might be clicking. However, the picture was far from clear.

  “The Zombies were in LA?” I asked, already knowing the answer, but deciding to assume nothing.

  “The Zombies were in LA,” Ethan confirmed. “I want you to call Satan to us. We need to have a chat.”

  I nodded and pulled out my cell phone. “Do we want Levi in on this?”

  Ethan paused in thought then nodded. “Yes. There are
no coincidences. Have both men meet us in my office in a half hour.”

  “What if Satan says no?” I asked, knowing it was a real possibility. The Devil worked on his own time clock and didn’t give a crap about anyone else’s.

  “Tell him I went on a shopping spree at Staples and had ten boxes of office supplies delivered this morning,” Ethan said with a raised brow and wicked grin.

  “Is this true?” I asked with a laugh.

  “Not a word of it,” Ethan replied. “However, that will get him here faster than demanding he share what he knows.”

  “You’re hot and smart,” I told him as I texted the message to Uncle Fucker.

  “Thank you,” Ethan said. “I try.”

  “My Liege,” David said, sitting in front of one of the computers. “It does seem to be located only in California. General Deandra says that she has lost communication with twenty Vamps. No other area is missing anyone.”

  I looked over David’s shoulder at the message. I knew of Deandra. Ethan trusted her. I hoped his trust wasn’t going to be betrayed. “Could you tell how many Vamps had perished by the amount of dust in the theater?”

  David, Jax, Matthew and Ethan all considered my question, but not one had an answer.

  “No,” Ethan replied after a long moment. “The dust began to dissipate while we fought the Zombies. The fact that the dust was there at all means that the murders had been recent. The remains of our dead disappear quickly.”

  I nodded. My mind raced, but no thoughts were coherent.

  “Would you like us to attend the meeting in your office?” Jax inquired.

  “No,” Ethan said, picking up all of the magazines except for the one Jane had hocked a loogie into. “I want you to get our people up to speed and prepare to leave for the West Coast once I have more intel.”

  “Yes, my Liege,” the three men said in unison as they bowed to us. “We shall get our troops ready.”