Fashionably Dead and Loving It: Hot Damned Book 14 Read online

  “I LOVE IT,” I yelled, making everyone jump. “This is fucking awesome. Can I have that case?”

  “It is for you,” Vinnie said, bowing. “I made it specifically for the Chosen One.”

  Grabbing Vinnie and hugging him tight, I danced him around the training room. His giggle was as delightful as the taste of the blood. He was onto something big.

  “Can I have one?” Anastasia called out as I graduated to flying, taking Vinnie on a roller-coaster ride.

  “Be my guest,” I called out as we buzzed their heads. “You’re gonna freak.”

  “Was it spicey enough?” Vinnie asked as we landed back by Levi and Anastasia.

  Sucking my bottom lip into my mouth, I mulled the question. “Yes,” I told him. “But I wouldn’t mind a hotter batch for when I’m feeling lucky.”

  “It shall be done!” he promised.

  “Holy Hell,” Anastasia said. “Amazing. Can I buy a case or ten?”

  Vinnie bowed to Anastasia. “I would be honored to gift a case to you. What is the food you miss the most?”

  My sister-in-law literally trembled with excitement. “I miss peaches,” she whispered.

  Levi watched Anastasia closely with an undecipherable expression. Interesting…

  Vinnie bounced like a child on Christmas morning. “I just so happen to have a case of peach-flavored blood with me. It would be a privilege to give it to you, Princess.”

  “The privilege would be all mine,” she assured Vinnie.

  Vinnie’s cape was dreadful. The ruby at his neck was monstrous. However, he was the cutest Vampyre I’d ever seen. His wide smile was contagious, as was his excitement.

  “I shall hand-deliver a case of peach blood to your suite, Princess Anastasia,” he announced with pride.

  “This seals the deal, Vinnie,” I said. “I’ll be investing in your business.”

  “Me too,” Anastasia added enthusiastically.

  “What the hell,” Levi muttered. “I’ll invest as well.”

  Anastasia and I glanced over at him in surprise.

  “Seriously?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “While I find your delicacy disgusting, I’m always looking for solid investments.”

  “Outstanding,” Vinnie said. “Shall we meet to discuss the arrangements later this evening?”

  “Tomorrow,” I said. “We have a lot to do today.”

  Vinnie bowed and turned to leave.

  “Vinnie, do you read the rags?” I called after him.

  He turned back and shook his head. “No. I’m uninterested in lies and defamation. Why? Should I?”

  “Nope,” I replied, then paused. The Devil’s message from Elle danced in my brain. Everything is connected. Don’t discount small details that seem unimportant. The old are wise. Where the heart is involved, follow it. The enemy is within and the goal is large.

  Vinnie was definitely old, and I had very little to lose right now, considering we were behind the curve on the exploding shitshow. Ethan would have sent for me if the situation had changed. Maybe Vinnie was one of the wise ones.

  “Do you happen to know anything about Zombies?” I asked.

  “Sadly, I do,” he said, pausing in the doorway. “I always thought them to be myth.”

  “They’re not a myth,” I said.

  “So terribly sad and unnecessary.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, poofing across the room and appearing next to him.

  He jumped in surprise, then smiled and patted my head. “It’s a terrible tale.”

  “Not following,” I said. “We have Zombies. They’re killing Vampyres.”

  Vinnie paled and grasped my hand in his. His body shook like a leaf. “Inhumane,” he hissed. “It’s inhumane.”

  “Explain,” I insisted, walking him to the bleachers and seating him so he didn’t collapse.

  “It’s what happens when a human is half-turned,” he whispered.

  “Zombies are not reanimated dead humans?” Anastasia questioned. “Like in the movies?”

  “The movies rarely get anything right,” Levi added, joining the conversation.

  “Lord Wrangler Tough Skins is correct,” Vinnie said, calling my brother by the name he had chosen. Although, the Count said it with far more respect than I did.

  “You can call me Levi,” he said sheepishly.

  Vinnie nodded and clasped his hands to his heart. “Such a sad waste of life—evil and barbaric. They must be beheaded.”

  “Who, the Zombies or the Vamps who created them?” I asked flatly.

  “Both,” Anastasia said emotionlessly.

  “Very difficult to do from the stories of old I vaguely remember,” Vinnie said. “Only one who was very old and skilled could stop drinking at the right moment to create a Zombie.”

  The information was horrifying. If Vamps were half-turning humans into Zombies, the human authorities would soon be involved. If the number of living dead continued to grow, there wouldn’t be enough mind wiping to save us.

  “Do you recall anything else?” Anastasia inquired as her fangs dropped and her eyes began to glow dangerously.

  She was fabulously scary. And it was a very good question.

  “Female,” Vinnie said. “The venom of a female Vampyre is the key to turning a human into a Zombie.”

  “Well, that knocks out at least half of the North American Vamps,” I said, beginning to pace. Movement helped me think.

  “You think it’s one of your own?” Anastasia questioned, joining me.

  “Ethan doesn’t think so, but Satan had a cryptic message from the Keeper of Fate. He said that the enemy was within and the goal was large,” I told her.

  As I began to jog the track to clear my head and try to decipher what Satan had said, I was joined by Levi, Anastasia, and even Vinnie.

  “Where are we going?” Vinnie asked, doing his best to keep up.

  “Nowhere fast if we don’t stop the Zombies and the Vamp responsible. It looks like we might be going to Hell,” I said, picking up my speed.

  “Literally?” Anastasia asked as she sped in front and halted me.

  “Yep. I might need Satan to clear this shit up. Cryptic messages are not working for me.”

  “He won’t… he can’t,” Levi said. “He has given you all he’s allowed to give. I despise him, but I can tell when he’s lying. The rules are set, Astrid. It’s how it works in our world.”

  “That’s just stupid,” I snapped, motioning for everyone to back up. With a wave of my hand, I blew out the entire back wall of the training center. The sound of the explosion was glorious. The rubble would take a week to be removed and then the center would have to be rebuilt. There was too much damage for me to reverse it without using up strength that I needed right now.

  Anastasia squeaked. Levi laughed. Vinnie applauded.

  “Impressive,” my sister-in-law said dryly. “Remind me to never piss you off.”

  “Will do,” I said, grabbing my crown and plopping it on my head.

  I was fully aware I looked ridiculous. I had healed, but my fatigues were covered in dried blood. For a brief moment, I considered snapping my fingers and changing into something not covered in crusty red goo.

  “Stay as you are,” Anastasia said. “It’s very badass. The crown is the pièce de résistance. Trust me. If I didn’t know you, I’d run like hell if I saw you headed my way.”

  Giving her a lopsided grin and a thumbs up, I didn’t change a thing. I was a badass. I may as well look the part.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The Situation Room was busy. There were Vamps on phones and computers. Everyone was armed to within an inch of their undead lives. The tension was high as information was exchanged with the West Coast Vamps.

  A few of the Cressida House Vampyres could scry, and they were intensely focused on a bowl of water. Ethan was in a terse conversation with David, Jax and Matthew.

  While Vinnie had retired to his suite, Anastasia and Levi stayed with me.


  “Ethan,” Anastasia said. “With your permission, I would like to be of assistance. If you want me to leave, I will understand and do so.”

  Ethan turned and gave his sister a tight but appreciative smile. “I would like you to stay. Are you up to speed?”

  “For the most part, yes,” she said.

  He nodded curtly then took in my bloody disarray with a smile that reached his beautiful gold eyes. “Are you good?”

  “Perfect,” I replied. “We’ll need a construction crew for the training center.”

  “I thought I heard an explosion,” he said with a raised brow.

  “You did,” Levi said, shaking his head. “Your mate is very destructive.”

  “Just the way I like her,” Ethan replied giving me a quick but thorough kiss on the lips. “I need you to make the call I didn’t want you to have to make. I have people out searching for the reporters. My gut tells me they’re the key. As soon as we locate the Zombies, we’re sending in backup. Until then, we deal with averting one disaster at a time.”

  When Ethan was all business, he was hot. Actually, he was always hot. Shoving my poorly timed thoughts away, I focused on the shitshow at hand. Save the world first. Bang my mate afterwards.

  “You sure you want me to call her?” I asked. I’d already done a tremendous amount of damage to the compound today. “If Mother Nature shows up, we’ll probably have to do a complete rebuild.”

  “Yes, I don’t trust Wilhem to dismiss his army,” he said. “I won’t take the risk. Our people are already edgy. Compounding the issue will not help.”

  “He said he would turn them around,” I reminded Ethan.

  “What he says and what he does are not lining up at the moment. His consort had a meltdown when she was made aware my brother’s help wasn’t welcome. Instead of silencing her, he catered to her behavior—very disturbing. Catriona seems determined to have Wilhem save the day. I had to have them physically removed from the Situation Room.”

  “Carolinainnia needs to take a fucking hike,” I muttered, pulling out my cell phone. “If Wilhem mates with her, he’s an idiot.”

  “That’s the popular opinion,” Anastasia said, sitting down next to Jax and studying the maps and intel. Levi looked over her shoulder.

  One of the Guards stepped into the room and cleared his throat. He was doing his damnedest not to laugh. “Sorry to bother you, my Liege, but Martha and Jane are insisting they need to teach you and Astrid how to remove a sphincter.”

  “Nope” I said. “Not happening.”

  Ethan shook his head then pointed to Matthew and David. “I don’t have time for their shenanigans right now. You two take care of that, please.”

  The Elite Guardsmen blanched but nodded as they exited the room.

  Better them than me.

  I dialed Mother Nature quickly. Time was of the essence. The phone rang three times. The scream of excitement when my grandmother answered almost blew out my eardrum and all of the eardrums in the room. Mother Nature was one of a kind… and she was loud.

  “Gigi,” I said, holding the phone away from my throbbing ear. “How are you?”

  “I’ve been better, darling. How are you and to what do I owe the pleasure of the call?”

  “Well, I have an issue, and I was hoping you could stop by and give me a hand,” I told her as Ethan stood next to me and listened to the exchange.

  “That’s a bit of a problem, my sweet Astrid,” she lamented. “I was pole dancing for your grandpa and the darndest thing happened. As I was doing my dismount, which was supposed to have me landing spread eagle on Bill’s face, I slipped and tore my leg clean off my body. It’s just a mess. Blood everywhere.”

  “I’m sorry, what did you just say?” I choked out.

  “It’s crazy! Right?” she said with a giggle. “I might have oiled myself up a bit too much. I watched a video on the interwebs where all the gals had glistening skin. Not one of them slipped off the pole and lost an appendage. I’m considering a lawsuit.”

  “You have no legs?” I asked, trying to imagine the logistics of what she’d just overshared.

  “Just my right leg. The left leg is fine and very shiny,” she confirmed. “It should grow back in a few hours. Can your issue wait?”

  “Umm… no,” I told her. “But no worries.”

  “So sorry, darling,” she said, then dropped her phone. “Son of a bitch, my hands are greasy too. Can we chat later? It’s just an oleaginous hot mess here in Nirvana at the moment.”

  “Yep,” I yelled into the phone so she would hear me. “Love you, Gigi. Get better and tell Grandpa I love him too.”

  “Will do, sweetheart. Always good to chat!”

  “Shit,” I said, tucking my phone into the pocket of my blood-crusted pants.

  “It’s coming true,” Ethan said.

  “What’s coming true?”

  “Your dream. Mother Nature ripped her leg off in your dream. Granted, she wasn’t trying to land spread eagle on Bill’s face, but she did tear her leg off,” he said, trying not to laugh.

  He failed. I joined him. Laughing at inappropriate times was a specialty of mine—especially in times of stress. Honestly, it was better than blowing shit up. The only part of my dream that I wanted to come true was Nana’s return. Why were all the shitty parts coming to fruition and not the one thing that would be wonderful? Hell, I was definitely staying away from thrones today. Having my ass glued to velvet would be wildly inconvenient.

  “We’ll be fine,” Ethan said. “If Wilhem’s men won’t leave, you will handle as many as you can, and we’ll put the rest in the dungeon if we have to. The main objectives are eliminating the Zombies and finding the source.”

  “We got the reporters,” Matthew said, entering the room with wild eyes and fangs out.

  Ethan’s smile was positively terrifying. He was not screwing around. “All of them?” he demanded.

  “All five from the list,” David confirmed as he walked in behind Matthew and joined the conversation. “Martha and Jane captured every one of them. They’re in the interrogation room.”

  “Under guard?” Ethan asked.

  “Yes, my Liege, and bound in silver,” Matthew replied.

  “The one whose sphincter we got last night isn’t walkin’ so good,” Martha announced with pride as she and Jane waddled into the room. “Want me to remove the rest of their buttholes?”

  “Umm… no, but thank you,” Ethan said, wincing. “That will not be necessary.”

  “Can we shake those mother humpers down for info?” Jane asked. “We have the perfect form of torture if they don’t wanna talk.”

  “And what exactly is that?” I asked, terrified of the answer.

  The old idiots exchanged smug glances. “While we’re the champions of American Idol, there’s one song that we’ve been forbidden to sing by our hot-ass, reluctant mentor, Simon Cowell,” Martha explained as all the Vamps in the room paled at the thought of Martha and Jane singing anything.

  “Yep,” Jane chimed in, adjusting her sequined leggings that had somehow drooped low enough for her to look like a plumber with her crack hanging out. “Last time we warbled the melody there was so much blood squirting out of the ears of our audience, we felt a little bad. It also made us hungry, but that’s not pertinent to the story.”

  “It was fuckin’ brain shattering,” Martha added. “Literally.”

  “So, you’re going to go in there and sing this song until they come clean?” Ethan asked, squinting at them in disbelief.

  “Dang right we are,” Jane told him. “Trust me, after the first chorus, they’re gonna be beggin’ to tell us what they know.”

  “It’s creative,” Jax pointed out, biting back a grin.

  “And vicious,” David added.

  “Just might work,” Matthew said, looking at Ethan. “They certainly won’t be expecting it.”

  Ethan closed his eyes for a second, then laughed. “Fine. I need names. I need the names of anyone who fed them
the Zombie information. I need to know what they know. Everything they know, including if they’re privy to who’s behind it.”

  “And I want to know which dumbass said my dress was boring,” I added.

  “On it,” Martha said, marching across the room with Jane right behind her.

  “What song are they singing?” Anastasia asked with a frightened expression, clearly remembering she’d won a six-hour and thirty-two-minute private concert.

  I snapped my fingers and provided everyone with enchanted earplugs. “I have no clue, and I don’t ever want to hear it.”

  “Put in the earplugs,” Ethan instructed. “We have no time for anyone’s brain to explode.”

  He didn’t have to ask twice.

  * * *

  “He’s not at the compound,” Jax said, entering the room looking furious. “He’s disappeared.”

  “More like running for his undead life,” I said.

  “Find him,” Ethan snarled. “Now.”

  “Yes, your majesty,” Jax said, exiting quickly.

  While the gals had been busting on brains and eardrums, I’d updated Ethan and the Guards on what I’d learned from Vinnie. Ethan, Jax, Matthew and David had been appalled at the tale of how Zombies were created. Jax had a distant memory of the story but had always thought it was a myth, just as Vinnie had. Unfortunately, there was still no word on the location of the ten new Zombies.

  There were four of us around the table now, Ethan, Levi, Anastasia and me. Martha and Jane stood off to the side since they were drenched in blood and still hyped up from the unusual interrogation that had provided a wealth of information.

  “Okay,” I said, pressing my temples and trying to make sense of what we’d learned. “So, Walter the uppity door Vamp has been feeding the tabloids information.”

  “Yep,” Jane said. “Took a whole chorus to get that out of the scumbag reporters.”

  “Snarky asshole,” Martha muttered. “I didn’t like that little fucker when he wouldn’t let us in to see you last night.”

  “I was ready to have a go at his sphincter, but wasn’t sure who he was,” Martha said. “I was a little worried he might be Ethan’s brother and thought that would be kind of embarrassing for everybody if I ripped out a Prince’s bunghole.”