Fashionably Dead and Loving It: Hot Damned Book 14 Read online

  “But they don’t know who Walter was reporting to,” I continued.

  “You got it,” Martha said. “I twerked for that info.”

  “Awesome,” I said, blocking the unappetizing visual. “And now, he’s conveniently disappeared.”

  “Correct,” Ethan ground out.

  “How long has he worked at the Cressida House?” I asked, remembering that Ethan said he was a new member.

  “Three months,” Ethan said.

  “Three months too long,” Levi pointed out.

  “Not helping,” I snapped.

  “My bad,” Levi conceded, surprising me. “I’ll keep my accurate opinions to myself.”

  Ethan’s lips compressed to a flat line. “Leviathan is correct. Walter was clearly a mistake. I vetted him myself and found no problems. I was wrong.”

  “When dealing with deadly predators, we all make mistakes,” Anastasia said in a tone that sent shivers skittering up my spine. “I had to dismiss several traitors recently.”

  “Define dismiss,” Levi said, eyeing Anastasia with curiosity.

  “Use your imagination,” she shot back, then turned her attention to Martha and Jane. “Was that all they knew? Don’t leave out small details. Everything is of importance.”

  “Well, now, lemme think,” Jane said, scratching her head. “Wait. They said something about being paid from a foreign bank account by Walter.”

  “What country?” Ethan asked, doing his best to stay calm, but clearly frustrated by the piecemeal information coming from the dummies.

  No one could be in the room with them during the interrogation. It was too dangerous to our brain matter. And now we were stuck with Martha and Jane haphazardly debriefing us. Not a great situation for the Situation Room.

  “Don’t rightly know,” she said. “But the one who’s missing a butthole did say that Walter told him change was on the horizon and life would be better for the undead.”

  “Are all dead people cryptic?” I snapped. “There could be a hundred Zombies by now. What’s the word from California?”

  Ethan typed at the laptop so fast, I didn’t even see his hands move. “Still working to locate the ten that Lizard reported were newly created this morning.”

  Levi slid his phone across the table. I caught it and glanced down at the screen.

  “The Vamps aren’t coming through, but the Demons certainly are,” Levi said smugly.

  “Lizard knows where they are,” I said, standing up. “We need to go.”

  “I need you here to disperse with Wilhem’s army if they refuse to leave,” Ethan said, rising from his chair. “I’ll take Jax, Matthew and David and go.”

  “Nope,” I said, putting my hand on his sleeve. “One, I’m unkillable. If a Zombie takes a bite, I’ll be fine. Two, Wilhem is a sexist asshat. Neither he nor his army are going to listen to a word I say. And unless you want them wiped off the face of the Earth, you should deal with them, not me.”

  “She has a point,” Anastasia said. “While I don’t want to believe that Wilhem is staging a coup, I don’t know what to think.”

  “You think our brother is behind this?” Ethan asked, looking murderous.

  “Honestly, no—not the Zombie part,” she answered. “But his jealousy of you might be driving him to make you look bad since the opportunity has arisen.”

  “Fuck,” Ethan snarled, looking up at the ceiling and debating his next move. “I will stay. Astrid will go. Jane and Martha will join you.”

  Ethan’s eyes blazed and his ire filled the room.

  “I’m going as well. My mind-wiping skills are unparalleled. That will come in handy if the human authorities have discovered anything,” Anastasia said.

  “I prefer to fight my own battles, but your expertise is welcome,” he conceded to his sister. “My ego will never get in the way of the safely of my people… no matter how many traitors I have in the ranks.”

  “I’m ready to go,” I told him. “You focus on your part and I’ll focus on mine. We’ve got this.”

  “From your lips to your Uncle God’s ears,” Ethan said.

  “Holy Hell,” I groused as I turned away from Ethan and armed myself from the stocked weapons cabinet in the room. “How many different wars can we be fighting at the same time?”

  “Don’t be so sure they’re not all one and the same,” Levi warned as he selected weapons for himself.

  “You’re coming?” I asked.

  “You’re a fucking menace,” he replied without looking at me. “Someone needs to make sure you don’t blow up California. You feel me?”

  “My line,” I said.

  “Nope. My line,” he said. “I just let you borrow it.”

  I smiled. He loved me. My brother might not know it yet, but he did.

  Ethan kissed me again, then directed his attention to the group. “Magic will not work. Swords will. It’s hand to hand, and the head of the Zombie must be removed completely. The stench is quite debilitating. If even a single tendon is still attached after decapitation, it will come back to life. Am I clear?”

  “You are.” Anastasia wrinkled her nose. “Disgustingly so.”

  “Astrid is in charge. Watch each other’s backs and keep me informed.” Ethan squeezed my hand, then left to check back in with the guards.

  “Shee-ott,” Martha said, loading her purse with throwing stars. “Zombies are nasty.”

  “Word,” Jane agreed, strapping on so many swords that I thought she might fall over. “Glad I’m not a fucking Zombie. I’d rather be undead than the living dead. I mean, those stanky bastards do get to eat, but eatin’ human flesh makes me wanna blow chunkies. Which is mother humpin’ impossible ’cause I’m undead… the good kind of dead.”

  “True dat,” Martha agreed. “Give me sardines on a graham cracker any day, but I’ll pass on a femur.”

  I froze. “Jane, repeat what you said.”

  “About chunkies?” she asked, confused.

  “No, the other part.”

  “About eating flesh?”

  “Oh my hell, no,” I told her.

  Levi cut in before I electrocuted Jane. “The part about wanting to be undead instead of the living dead because she’s already undead… the good kind of dead?” he questioned, looking at me like I was nuts.

  He wasn’t wrong. I was nuts. However, it was part of my charm. “Yesssssss,” I said. “It’s wordplay.”

  “Not following,” Anastasia said.

  “You don’t have to,” I said as my brain raced, trying to make sense of something that was as clear as mud. “I’m not sure I’m following. It hasn’t clicked yet.”

  “Well, there’s a decisive leader I’m willing to follow into battle,” Levi said sarcastically.

  “You don’t have to come,” I shot back just as scornfully.

  “Don’t you worry about nothing,” Martha assured Levi, slapping him on the back. “Knockers McKnobs likes to pull battle plans out of her ass. Works like a dream every time.”

  Closing my eyes, I refrained from setting Martha on fire. It would be counterproductive. Besides, she was defending me. She was also correct. I did pull strategies out of my rear end. I made decisions in the moment due to life and the end of the Universe being an ever-changing playing field.

  “Here’s the deal,” I said. “The plan right now is to destroy the Zombies and get back to the Cressida House before Wilhem’s men show up. Period. If there’s a wrinkle, we go with the flow.”

  “Works for me,” Anastasia said, strapping on a katana.

  “Oh, and if you see any thrones along the way, do not sit on them,” I instructed.

  Levi gave me a strange look. “May I ask why?”

  “No, you may not. It would take too long to explain,” I snapped. “Just trust me on that. And if there is any cake laying around, don’t eat it. It’s poisoned. Also, don’t heckle me if I tell jokes.”

  “Roger that,” Martha said, saluting me.

  “Have you lost your mind?” Levi as
ked with a laugh. “Those are the most bizarre commands I’ve ever heard.”

  Jane nodded and grinned. “Hooters LaBlubbernubs is batshit crazy, but I’d ride shotgun with her to the Basement of Hell and back. Just go with it.”

  “Astrid defines the term shit-for-brains, but she’s badass. She won’t let nothing awful happen to you. She’s the fucking best there is,” Martha promised, making me stop in my tracks.

  “Did you just call me by my name?” I asked, ignoring the shit-for-brains part.

  “Whoops, my bad, Chesty Skinsacks” Martha said with a cackle. She then turned deadly serious. Bowing to me and almost falling on her ass, she staggered back to her feet. “I know we give you crap, but we would follow you to the end of the Universe and die for you.”

  I was shocked to silence for a moment and moved as well. Nodding curtly, so I didn’t ruin a profanely beautiful moment, I held out my hands. “Everyone, touch me. I’m transporting us in a group.”

  One by one, my small army of deadly Immortals placed their hands on me.

  “Ready?” I asked as I made eye contact with each of them.

  I was ready. My bloody attire was appropriate, and my crown was securely attached to my head. Perilously walking the fashion tightrope would normally bother me. Today, I embraced it.

  “Born ready,” Levi said, winking at me.

  “You love me,” I whispered.

  “Maybe,” he conceded. “Let’s live through the next few hours, then we can discuss it.”

  “Works for me.”

  In a blast of sparkling icy purple mist, we took a trip to the West Coast to hunt for Zombies.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The nondescript black van was as cliché as you could get. After our arrival, it was cliché and cramped. Levi and Lizard exchanged respectful nods, and Anastasia was introduced to the unusual and violent Demon/Fairy.

  While most Demons and Fairies were easy on the eye, Lizard was an anomaly. He was a bit on the scaly side and his eyes were a touch too close together. However, he did morph into a giant lizard, so his appearance wasn’t all that much of a surprise. His style was as horrendous as the loves of his life. Today he wore what I’d come to recognize as his work uniform—an ill-fitted black suit, a navy beret and green high-tops. It was bizarre enough to work for him.

  Martha and Jane were thrilled to be united with their mate. When Lizard handed them Simon Cowell’s star from the Hollywood Walk of Fame, they almost passed out. However, when Martha started to remove her clothes to thank her man, I had no choice but to zap her.

  “Not now,” I hissed, eyeing the warehouse where the Zombies were. Thankfully the dilapidated warehouse was in a deserted and rundown area on the outskirts of Los Angeles. “All ten are inside?”

  Lizard smacked on his ever-present gum and rolled his baseball bats in his hands. “Yep. While I’m unable to off them, I was able to herd them here and lock them in.”

  “You’re brilliant,” I told him.

  “And hung like a trojan horse,” Martha added with pride as Lizard grinned.

  “What’s the plan?” he inquired.

  “We’re winging it,” I told him as he nodded his approval.

  He was used to me by now. We’d been through a few ugly battles together. While my methods might be unorthodox, they worked… so far.

  “We’re gonna castrate the Zombies,” Jane announced as I groaned and shook my head.

  However, before I could correct her, Lizard decided to educate us. It was as terrifying as his bat and his outfit.

  “Speaking of castration, it reminds me of a yarn I shared with Lucifer a little while back,” he said, not taking his beady eyes off the warehouse. “Did you know that phallo photo portaphilia is the urge to put one’s penis in a light socket? Or that Phalloween is concurrently celebrated with the human tradition of Halloween? You dress your penis up in a scary costume and go door-to door yelling Schwantz or Schwartz—either is acceptable. I prefer Schwartz, myself. And the topper is phallus booking—the act of shutting the penis in the center pages of a large hard-backed tome with considerable force.”

  Levi threw his head back and laughed. Anastasia glanced over at him with a shy smile. Instead of flipping her off, he smiled back. There was a little something there. I would do my best to stay out of it. However, I was shitty at staying out of stuff that wasn’t any of my business.

  “Lizard, was that graphic and gross yarn pertinent?” I asked, completely forgetting why I was even in the van for a brief moment. Between the covert flirting and Lizard’s fucked-up knowledge of disgusting trivia, I barely remembered my name.

  Lizard nodded solemnly. “Yep. Phallus booking is a creative way to castrate without having to actually touch a Zombie pecker.”

  “Mmmkay,” I said, staying diplomatic, since Lizard was one who easily lost his shit. “Jane was mistaken. We’re not castrating the Zombies. We’re decapitating the Zombies.”

  “Makes more sense,” Lizard said. “Considering that seven of them are women and there’s a female child—about five years old.”

  My stomach sank and I felt ill. “A child?” I choked out. I shook with rage. Black sparkles covered my arms and chest. My Demon side was showing. I was insanely close to doing structural damage. Levi’s calming hand on my shoulder pulled me back to reality. “Someone half-turned a child?”

  Lizard growled and bashed out the driver’s side window with his bat. “Yep.”

  I got a little satisfaction out of Lizard’s violent action, but now I was torn. There was no way I could decapitate a child—even a Zombie child. These humans had not asked for this fate. Their lives had been destroyed by Vampyres, and now, we were about to destroy the horrific lives they had left.

  “Play with the words,” Levi whispered in my ear.

  “What does that mean?” I asked, desperate for someone to translate the cryptic message.

  Levi was silent for a long beat. He shrugged and touched my cheek. “I don’t know, Astrid,” he answered. “If I did, I would tell you.”

  Nodding jerkily, I opened the van door and stepped out into the sunlight. Wiggling my fingers and sending protection magic to Martha and Jane’s skin so they wouldn’t fry to a crisp in the sun, I looked over at Anastasia. “Are you okay in sunlight?”

  “I am,” she replied, joining me on the pitted black asphalt. “We can’t destroy a child.”

  “Agreed,” I said grimly.

  I paced the pavement and was glad I wore combat boots instead of the fifteen-inch Prada heels from my dream. I would have twisted my ankle repeatedly on the torn-up parking lot. Wordplay. Wordplay. Fuck. I loved to win. I wasn’t going to give up now.

  “Levi, repeat what Jane said earlier, please.”

  “Jane wants to be undead instead of the living dead because she’s already undead… the good kind of dead,” he said.

  “Well, there’s your fucking answer,” Lizard said, crawling out of the van and pulling his pants out of his crack.

  I wanted to peel my skin from my body and scream. What the hell was he talking about? I didn’t see the answer.

  “Lizard,” I said through clenched teeth, hanging on to my sanity by a thread. “I’m going to ask you a question. If you give me a cryptic or unsatisfactory answer, I am going to shove your baseball bat up your ass and pull it out of your mouth. Does that work for you?”

  Lizard grinned with appreciation at my unsavory and vicious threat and gave me a thumbs up.

  “Excellent,” I said. “What did you mean by that’s my fucking answer?”

  Lizard removed his gum from his mouth and stuck it to the end of his bat. He sat down on the holey pavement and motioned for all of us to come close. If he told another story about smashing a wanker in a book, I was going to ram the bat up his butt, gum and all.

  “The living dead are half undead,” he whispered.

  “Correct,” I said, as my stomach roiled. Then a small smile of understanding began to pull at my lips. Satan’s clues danced in my
brain. ‘The living dead are going to be your ruin. This is not my problem. It’s yours. I’d suggest a little wordplay game. And that is a big fucking hint. I’d suggest you work to understand it as well. It might save your undead asses from the ones halfway there.’

  “We need to finish the job,” I said. “Make the living dead the undead.”

  “Pretty sure I just puked in my mouth,” Martha gagged out, paling considerably.

  “That’s impossible,” Jane grunted, whacking her sidekick in the head. “But I know I just crapped my pants.”

  “Also impossible,” I pointed out, realizing I was the one who was going to have to turn the ten living dead. I was the only one who wouldn’t end up a pile of ash if bitten. As much as I secretly fantasized about Martha and Jane’s early demise, it was only a fantasy. I loved the imbeciles and would protect them with my life. Anastasia was out of the equation as well.

  “All of you will stay outside. I’m going in alone,” I ordered. “I can’t die. It’s too risky for the rest.”

  “Lizard and I will join you,” Levi said, glancing over at Lizard, who nodded his agreement. “Because the Zombies were created by Vamps, I doubt they can destroy Demons.”

  “True,” Lizard concurred. “I went at them earlier today. Got bit twice. I’m still standing.”

  “Where were you bitten?” I asked, then wished I hadn’t.

  The crazy man yanked his pants down all the way to the ground. He was wearing a glaringly sparkly and unfortunately revealing gold thong. To say it was alarming was an understatement. Anastasia quickly turned away to hide her laugh while Martha and Jane whipped out their cell phones to snap pictures. When he pointed to two vicious and raw-looking areas around his ankles, I almost electrocuted him.

  “Was there a reason you had to drop trou to show us your ankles?” I asked.

  Lizard pulled up his pants and grinned. “Nope.”

  He was a piece of work.

  “Bottom line,” Lizard continued, buttoning his pants and adjusting his beret. “Demons can be harmed, but not killed.”

  “Done deal,” Levi said, checking his weapons. “The goal is to save them, but if that can’t happen, they have to be ended.”